Yesterday, technology attacked me.
I was checking my email in the ocd way I have and admiring the latest pic of bestie's precious baby.
I had a series of messages from Hotmail Reminder Service.
Hotmail had some kind of historical bulimia episode and started spewing birthday reminders for people with whom Diva has not corresponded for lo these many years.
A college instructor from my undergrad days.
A master's cohort group project partner.
An ex boyfriend.
An ex boyfriend, to be specific, that dh demanded I block from my email, Facebook and general airspace after we got married. I was not in any way flirting with this individual (though I believe that's the individual's prerogative and wouldn't have been damning if I had) but dh felt threatened and uncomfy so I acquiesced and blocked the person in question.
Well, I hit "send" on hotmail's automated bday wish email and sent him a birthday wish. Just the default message and I doubt that he even has the same email address but I thought it would be a nice thing to do. i also sent the same message to the cohort project partner, though not the instructor who would in no way remember me.
What I'm dancing around here is that even our shittiest early relationships have value and I wanted to acknowledge that. I don't hate him. I did for a while because I was very young and vehement and felt that I had been Done Wrong which, in retrospect and at least a little more maturity, I was Not and Wronged-er than he was.
I was reading My Four Exes the other day and I think I had that in my mind when I saw all the hotmail notifications. "Ramona" who writes that blog has such a compassionate perspective on her past relationships and how they have shaped parts of her personality. It stuck with me and I hit send. And boy will dh be pissed when I tell him. Because I want to tell him. And that's maturity, I think. Doing something kind of immature but then owning it. Right?