New Year, New Memos

Dear "memos",

No offense but you are spelled weird. As in you never look right to me and I want to commit the unforgivable folly of tossing in a needless apostrophe just to salve my perception. I have, in the past, been known to try to pronounce you in text as meee-mohs, like a Greek isle or something. I suggest gently that you find some way to improve your spelling or appearance. I'm not trying to be superficial here but it's really getting on my nerves.

Improvingly,
Diva

Dear MIL,

You have got to be kidding me with these shenanigans. Unless you are going to pay for therapy (or a grenade launcher), cut it out immediately. I do not need more heinous material for a comedy routine so this serves no good purpose.

Disbelievingly,
Diva

Dear Stomach,

As you do not appear to have heard the news I am providing you with a personal memorandum. I have indeed lost weight so I implore you to quit being blobby this instant. I have records and an actual graph to back up my claims of weight loss so your continued denial is both irrational and offensive. Desist posthaste.

Insistently,
Diva

Dear Cooking Light Cookbook I Bought for DH and Then Stole,

Delicious. I adore you. You have peeled three pounds off me unexpectedly while delighting me with yummy and satisfying food my child will eat. However--too much fish. Pages I will never use. Also the eggs. We are not egg people due to dh's childhood allergies and my general antipathy. Having pro-rated the price of the cookbook per page, I estimate that I am owed either five dollars or equivalent culinary instructive remuneration. So, I would like to request approximately nineteen new and usable recipes to replace the ones we deem useless. E-mail will be fine.

Appreciatively,
Diva

Dear Spelling Bee Document Creators,

(That sounds religious, just saying)
I did the moderation for the school bee last week. What the holy flying fig newtons is with those sentences? The anxious speller may ask for his/her word to be used in a sentence meant to elucidate the meaning through context.
So when the wee blond girlie asked me for a sentence using "falter" I had to provide
 "Stefan was astounded that he did not falter in his recitation of the soliloquy."
I had to say that to a scared nine year old, people. It did not help. She understood "was" and "did" and that was about it. If your goal was to make something nerve wracking into something ridiculously hard, you did it. Otherwise, your insanely advanced sentences that clarify nothing must be rewritten. See Lemony Snicket for concise and vivid sentence examples using challenging words.

Disgustedly,
Diva

Dear Nurse,

I had to plead with my suffering parent to call your office and ask for a pain prescription following surgery. Your response of, "Well, I will never understand why some people can't stand being a little uncomfortable," was egregious, offensive, and utterly unprofessional. Pain is pain. I'm sure you could file your nails blithely while being  having your toes cut off and bleach splashed in your eyes. However, we do not all aspire to your supreme endurance and thus request a more civil tone when a patient asks for help. The nurses, doctors, patients, people, and pets of the world (who of course appointed me their spokesperson) demand apology.

Angrily,
Diva