Today Diva wrote a letter informing a parent that his/her student had:
"wiped nasal secretions on the clothing of a classmate"
Yes, it is for this purpose that one attains a master's degree. So one can think of a suitable term to replace the vulgar "snot" in a parent note.
Today Diva received a text from her beloved husband. After having attempted to call him twice and texting him repeatedly about a household matter, the reply her espoused darling provided?
"Hockey lockout over...woot!"
Ah yes the romance, I couldn't possibly fabricate anything so eloquent. I nearly sprained something with the eye roll.
Today Diva found a dead mouse in a student desk. For reals. Diva's innards shrink from the very recollection.
Today Diva uttered the words, "Well you have been in there for 24 minutes so I suggest you FINISH WIPING."
Today Diva placed a phone call to an adored work colleague to determine if said colleague were still in the school building Diva had recently departed.
When colleague stated that she had already gone home, Diva replied with a sophisticated, "Well, shit. I left my stupid scentsy plugged in and now I have to go back and unhook it."
See, a student begifted said scentsy to Diva for the holidays and this unwieldy and breakable electric potpourri tart warmer is the despair of Diva's existence because (a) Diva despises artificial air fresheners, (b) Diva is terrified that it will start a fire even though it is about as warm as a tepid cup of coffee and (c) Diva previously owned said item and a student knocked it off and Diva was relieved it was gone.
But Diva doesn't wish to hurt the feelings of Precious Student who begifted it so Diva inhales potentially carcinogenic and cloying faux-pumpkin-pie smelliness on occasion to placate Student's fear that Diva does not enjoy her gift. So Diva traipsed back to the school and stole in to unplug the damnable appliance and discovered that a rodent had breached the oreo package brought for snack tomorrow. Diva disposed of said article and shivered because all rodent life gives this animal lover the heebiejeebies.
As dh had planned to go out with his friends this evening, Diva had placed a bet with herself that dh who struggles most nights to be home by 630 would be home by 4. At 3:14 Diva placed her customary phone call to dh to see how his day was looking only to be informed that he was already home. When dh wants to do something he can be remarkably prompt, I remarked. He was desperately offended by the insinuation. Diva retaliated by making scrumptious puppy chow as he was leaving. Because baked goods can stir his heart strings in a way that offering him anything from the VS catalog obviously cannot. He emitted an audible whimper before departing.
Miss THAT! I thought vindictively.
3 comments:
You crack me up! Nope, you can't make this stuff up. Sorry about the mouse incidents --- ugh!
You could also feed him one of the Oreos from the breached packet ... if you are getting into your evil, and all.
Oh dear. As to the student's gift, how about you disappear it one evening after the student is gone, and say you took it home to enjoy it but forgot to bring it back. No harm no foul, etc.
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