The way I see myself is unswerving.
It's the same image I've had in my head since I was a 92 pound anorexic teen. It's a dumpy freckled girl who needs to cover up.
So when we ordered staff t-shirts this month, I automatically selected a large because I am large and I'm just damn lucky it's not an xl any longer like it was last year.
When the shirts came in, they drowned me. The shoulders are way down my upper arms, the big boxy shirts are much too long and baggy. I look like I'm wearing my husband's shirts. I should have ordered a medium, which I would never even consider because I am not medium. I am large. That's my label. That's all I see and all I am convinced anyone else sees as well.
I have a new pair of jeans. They fit and are cute and I'm certain they fit because they're vanity sized to make fat people like me think they can really wear a 10 comfortably. Because I'm a large.
So what I've done is what the kids in my class do when their shirts are too big. They gather a wad of fabric in the back, twist a ponytail holder around it and make a ducktail. So here I am. In my large. WIth a ducktail.
Today we're celebrating Dr. Seuss so doing something goofy with my shirt seems apropos. Especially since I'm not a major Seussian disciple. The kids are coming in their jammies with stuffed animals. It should be delightful and crazy and cozy. And I'll try to remind myself that the shirt with the linebacker shoulders doesn't fit me anymore. My image in my head doesn't fit either.
4 comments:
It's good to have the occasional wake-up call to really look at ourselves. I picked up my previous fat jeans, that were too small for me to wear for a couple of years, and ta da! I can wear them comfortably. This prompts me to make sure I don't put the next size smaller jeans into storage because I'm sure I'll get to them in a few months. Yet I don't feel like I'm doing anything to take the weight off.
You are obviously changing back to where your body wants to be or where it is easier to stay. Now you have noticed. Yay! Now you can go for the Medium shirt because you are obviously no longer a Large.
Funny how that works, isn't it? Time to change your map to fit the terrain ;-)
I doubt it's easy to alter the way we've always thought of ourselves, even when the proof is there in the sizing of the shirt.But good for you! I wish I was a medium. ; )
When I was a size six I still didn't show my arms or thighs because they were "fat". I felt just as bad about myself then as now. Now, my attitude is the one dieting.
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