Sunday, March 30, 2014

Lightening Up: End of March Memos

Dear Pinterest,

That tip where you're supposed to use an old ketchup bottle to dispense pancake batter? That picture made me want to vomit. Thick white stuff issuing from a still-labeled Heinz squeeze bottle…ugh! Plus, I don't really make pancakes. But thanks for that repulsive image.

Unappreciatively,
Diva


Dear March,

It's windy as hell and still chilly. Where's the goddamn out-like-a-lamb part I was promised?

Icily,
Diva


Dear In-Laws,

Yep. I hijacked a family birthday for today. You had a WEEK as in seven days to ell us the plans after we asked when you wanted us to come and what to bring. As you persisted in 'needing to talk to' fill-in-the-blank to see what he/she thought, I decided we are going to the park and we'll bring the food and cake. I also invited Beloved Aunt you like to leave out in a spiteful manner. The Diva does NOT exclude people the SP loves. So be warned…unless you're nicer to my kid, you may not get another cookie cake out of this bitch.

Preparedly,
Diva


Dear SP,

Love getting to rock you to sleep. Here's to bringing back the awesome!

Happily,
Mommy (that's right, you heard me, stop calling me "mom" you are only two for chrissakes, let me be 'mommy' a while longer)


Dear Persistent Cough,

It is not yet spring allergy season (see above tirade at month of March) therefore I insist that you stop making me cough and have a headache, at least until the weather is nicer. Otherwise we're going to have to institute a winter-allergy season and I don't approve of that sort of nonsense. So either bring on spring or stop choking and hacking.

Miserably,
Diva


Dear Lawmakers,

By forcing one to undergo interrogation and the presentation of one's where-the-hell-did-i-put-that driver's license to purchase simple one-week dosage of cold medicine all you have done is the following:
Force meth manufacturers to get more creative in their acquisitions
Force actual cold sufferers to be sick rather than get relieving medications because when you feel this bad, who wants to screw with the finger printing and cavity search you have to go through to get a box of Mucinex?

Brilliant solution as usual.

Derisively,
Diva

2 comments:

Skye said...

Brilliant memos, as usual!

Sorry I haven't commented lately: firefox and blogger weren't playing well together.

Yay for hijacking the birthday party and inviting the aunt!

London Mabel said...

You tell 'em.